Every stepmom has a bio mom she has to deal with whether she is alive and kicking or she is deceased. They still influence her family life. It’s therefore important for a stepmom to know who this biological mother is, her strengths and weaknesses and since not all biological moms are the same, this helps bring perspective to the relationships within the family as well as parenting aspects which is now shared. Here are 5 types of biological mothers that stepmothers may find themselves having to cope with and how they can rise above the challenges, each one of them presents.
The Open One
This is the kind of bio mom that every stepmother wishes she had to deal with. She is secure and confident in her role as the mother and knows despite the current family situation her children will always have a very special place in their heart and no one can change that. She has dealt with any pain and issues surrounding the divorce or separation between her and her ex who is now your husband, has accepted the situation and doesn’t try to live in the past. She understands that working with you is in the best interest of the kids. She prays that you are a good and positive influence on her children, that you will be able to get along and that they can grow to love you.
This is a one of a kind mom and her spirit helps everyone else find it easy to let you in. If you have one of these in your life you need to be grateful.
The ‘mke nyumbani’ super mom
This is the perfect mother. She cooks, she cleans, she sews and no I am not talking about buttons, she teaches Sunday school, she in the school PTA, bakes her own bread, heck! this woman can go head to head with Martha Stewart with a good chance of winning. Now if you are the kind of stepmom who can’t do any of these things to save your life she can intimidate the hell out of you. It’s only natural to feel the need to compete with this mom. Prove that you can be just as good if not better, even when she is deceased. Many women find themselves competing with ghosts of the former wife which is a battle lost before it even began.
Resist the urge to become like the super mom and let no one pressure you into becoming something that you are not. We all have things that we are good at and those that we are terrible at. Focus on what you can do well and incorporate these in your relationship with your new partner and step kids. Be you, and let people love you just as you are.
The Mighty Protector
All mothers have a natural maternal instinct to protect their children but this one has taken this a couple of notches higher. She feels the need to protect her children from her former spouse and from you the stepmom. Usually this is a reaction from the fear that you will interfere with her role as mom. Signs of an overly protective mother include change or total cancellation of visitation rights thus limiting the contact between you and her children. She may even sabotage your relationship with the children or even your partner by badmouthing you in front of the kids, your partner and even straight up in your face.
For this kind of mother, its important for the stepmom to communicate verbally and through her actions the “No Threat message” To learn how to do this skillfully read my past blog post Meet your Ex-in-Law:Part 2 dealing with the challenges
The Smother Mom
Her entire identity stems from being a mother and this in turn compels her to make herself the center of every single facet of their children’s lives. This mother has trouble cutting the apron strings and smother their children with parental affection and authority. She is controlling and needs to be needed by her children. She may appear to be involved and cooperative when it comes to shared parenting tasks but she is actually just passive aggressive. Not all children may agree to her style but at least one will. This is the kind of child who will not accept you openly because this screams betrayal to their mother so keep your eyes peeled for this one. Don’t take it personally if you notice this with your stepchildren, its not a rejection of you as a person.
The Stone cold mom
There is no winning with this one. She completely ignores you and lives like you do not exist. She will not communicate with you in any way neither will she be willing to work with you. The best way to deal with her is to distance yourself with respect. Should the children talk ab
out their mother or the other home, listen and do not criticize or condemn her even if you may not agree with her strategy or parenting style. Always remember that blood is thicker than water and accept that your spouse will be the communication link between your family and the other home.
Whether you are a stepmom or a bio mom remember that its not a competition and a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T goes a long way.