Stepparents & Biological parents

Why the biological mother of your stepchildren hates you

So you meet your prince charming and accept him and his kids knowing very well that they are a package deal. You cant have one without the other. You go ahead and get married, you take care of his children and try your best to be a positive influence in their lives. You work so hard to create a cohesive, functional family unit and yet it seems that it doesn’t matter what you do, your husbands ex, the biological mother of your stepchildren doesn’t like you at all. You would think that it would be better for everyone especially the children if you agreed and were on the same team but that is far from the reality, she hates you and you have no idea why. Technically you have checked every item on the “how to to be a smart stepmom” list,  if anything she should be thanking you and appreciating you for all that you do in her absence.

Truth is, she may never be upfront as to why she just cant stand you but here are some common reasons why moms do not like stepmoms, read on and see which ones fit your unique situation.

She did not choose you

“I never wanted you here. You simply were never part of the plan. Growing up and dreaming of my family I never included you.   I didn’t want help from another woman to raise my child.  The plan was for my family to include me, daddy and our children, not you. ” These were the words of Candice Curry, the founder of ‘Women with Worth’ in a blog-post titled “An Open Letter to my daughters stepmom” which went viral.

She echoes the words of many biological moms who find themselves in a similar situation. They never once thought that another woman would be raising their children and that they would have absolutely no say in that matter at all. You came into her territory and her guard just automatically went up.

She has little influence on her ex

Before you came along, your partner was less likely to muddy the waters with her. She probably got away with a whole lot more than she does now that you are in the picture. You see, now your husband listens to you, considers your point of view, has probably made several changes to accommodate you in the family and consults with you on all family matters. This used to be her, now that they are no longer an item, her power has decreased so it is not surprising that she blames you for this change.

You remind her of her failure

Whether she is the one who wanted the divorce or not, seeing you happy with her ex can be a bitter pill to swallow. No one ever gets into a marriage with the intention to get divorced and every divorced parent regrets the effects it has on their children. Perhaps your partner learnt his lesson and is now a better husband to you than he was to her. In any case, her perception of your relationship with her ex may anger her, whether she blatantly takes it out on you or not.

She is scared her children will love you

Ideally this should not be a threat because of the blood bond she has with her children. They will forever love and remain loyal to her despite whatever choices she makes in life, good or bad.  In her world however you are a threat and see you get along so well or hear warm stories about you from the kids may fuel her fire.

You are there for her children when she is not

This is especially so if you are a full-time stepmom with permanent custody and the biological mother is the one who does the visitation. You are there for every single milestone that her children make in her absence and that pisses her off. This is where you have to be wise as a stepmom and be very careful not to interfere with any firsts if you can help it because you give her the ammunition to hate you more.

She sees her weaknesses in you

You may be younger than she is, have a more successful career than she does, be more educated, prettier the list can be endless. Even if you are not, everyone has their own insecurities and its common for people to compare themselves unfairly to others and this situation is not different. She could be doing exactly that. Comparing herself to you and if this makes her feel inferior in any way is bound to take it out on you.

Whether all this is true or not, there should be no excuse for disrespect and animosity between moms and stepmoms. As adults we need to display maturity, address our insecurities head on, tackle valid issues amicably, respect each others contribution to the family and be the best we can be for the children’s sake.

If you are a stepmom who has to deal with an extremely difficult ex, you may not have much  control over her behavior toward you but you have control over how you react. Keep your head up and take the high road, always maintaining your self respect and dignity.

 

 

 

 

5 thoughts on “Why the biological mother of your stepchildren hates you

  1. Benefiting off someone else’s pain?? I don’t agree with that at all In my situation I’m a full time stepmother to two and me and my husband have one of our own he has full custody and she has visitation only on weekends but has been absent before hand for four years I have been here doing and being a step mom. Any and all jealousy in situations like that should be thrown out the window it is not the stepmother s fault if you chose to abandon your duties as a mother no calls nothing and give the one who was there any grief we should feel no way at fault unless your inforcing the kids to call you mom than your wrong kids know the difference you don’t owe any remorse I’f a bond can be made with adopted kids why not stepmother

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    1. I agree, and every situation is different. Ideally there should not be any jealousy but the reality is that their is usually some form of jealousy from both the biological mother as well as the stepmom. The bottom line however is that children have the ability to love multiple parents if given the freedom to do so. They shouldn’t have to be stuck in the in the middle simply because the adults cannot control their feelings or put them aside for the greater good of the kids

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  2. This piece sounds a little as if the step mum believes she is somehow superior to the ex just because she replaced her ( ‘you remind her of failure’ ‘she probably got away with a lot more before’ ‘ she sees her weaknesses in you’ ‘she has little influence on her ex’….etc). A family breaking up is a terribly painful thing, and as you rightly said, no one goes into marriage planning to be divorced / separated. A step mum would be wise to remember that she is somehow benefiting from someone else’s pain and that there are always 2 sides to a story. It should never be a competition neither should the step mum feel entitled to be liked by the ex. The fact is she has no business liking her replacement. Actually neither of them do. But if at the very least they can regard and treat each other with mutual respect,albeit from a distance, then that’s all that is needed.

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    1. I completely agree with you apart from the portion on a stepmom benefiting from someone elses pain. Its definitely not a competition. Both the bio mum and stepmom have their own insecurities. The key to a cordial relationship is to put those aside, respecting each others position and each doing their part to make the transition easier for the children.

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