Why the biological mother of your stepchildren hates you

So you meet your prince charming and accept him and his kids knowing very well that they are a package deal. You cant have one without the other. You go ahead and get married, you take care of his children and try your best to be a positive influence in their lives. You work so hard to create a cohesive, functional family unit and yet it seems that it doesn’t matter what you do, your husbands ex, the biological mother of your stepchildren doesn’t like you at all. You would think that it would be better for everyone especially the children if you agreed and were on the same team but that is far from the reality, she hates you and you have no idea why. Technically you have checked every item on the “how to to be a smart stepmom” list,  if anything she should be thanking you and appreciating you for all that you do in her absence.

Truth is, she may never be upfront as to why she just cant stand you but here are some common reasons why moms do not like stepmoms, read on and see which ones fit your unique situation.

She did not choose you

“I never wanted you here. You simply were never part of the plan. Growing up and dreaming of my family I never included you.   I didn’t want help from another woman to raise my child.  The plan was for my family to include me, daddy and our children, not you. ” These were the words of Candice Curry, the founder of ‘Women with Worth’ in a blog-post titled “An Open Letter to my daughters stepmom” which went viral.

She echoes the words of many biological moms who find themselves in a similar situation. They never once thought that another woman would be raising their children and that they would have absolutely no say in that matter at all. You came into her territory and her guard just automatically went up.

She has little influence on her ex

Before you came along, your partner was less likely to muddy the waters with her. She probably got away with a whole lot more than she does now that you are in the picture. You see, now your husband listens to you, considers your point of view, has probably made several changes to accommodate you in the family and consults with you on all family matters. This used to be her, now that they are no longer an item, her power has decreased so it is not surprising that she blames you for this change.

You remind her of her failure

Whether she is the one who wanted the divorce or not, seeing you happy with her ex can be a bitter pill to swallow. No one ever gets into a marriage with the intention to get divorced and every divorced parent regrets the effects it has on their children. Perhaps your partner learnt his lesson and is now a better husband to you than he was to her. In any case, her perception of your relationship with her ex may anger her, whether she blatantly takes it out on you or not.

She is scared her children will love you

Ideally this should not be a threat because of the blood bond she has with her children. They will forever love and remain loyal to her despite whatever choices she makes in life, good or bad.  In her world however you are a threat and see you get along so well or hear warm stories about you from the kids may fuel her fire.

You are there for her children when she is not

This is especially so if you are a full-time stepmom with permanent custody and the biological mother is the one who does the visitation. You are there for every single milestone that her children make in her absence and that pisses her off. This is where you have to be wise as a stepmom and be very careful not to interfere with any firsts if you can help it because you give her the ammunition to hate you more.

She sees her weaknesses in you

You may be younger than she is, have a more successful career than she does, be more educated, prettier the list can be endless. Even if you are not, everyone has their own insecurities and its common for people to compare themselves unfairly to others and this situation is not different. She could be doing exactly that. Comparing herself to you and if this makes her feel inferior in any way is bound to take it out on you.

Whether all this is true or not, there should be no excuse for disrespect and animosity between moms and stepmoms. As adults we need to display maturity, address our insecurities head on, tackle valid issues amicably, respect each others contribution to the family and be the best we can be for the children’s sake.

If you are a stepmom who has to deal with an extremely difficult ex, you may not have much  control over her behavior toward you but you have control over how you react. Keep your head up and take the high road, always maintaining your self respect and dignity.

 

 

 

 

5 Types of bio moms every stepmom has to deal with

Every stepmom has a bio mom she has to deal with whether she is alive and kicking or she is deceased. They still influence her family life. It’s therefore important for a stepmom to know who this biological mother is, her strengths and weaknesses and since not all biological moms are the same, this helps bring perspective to the relationships within the family as well as parenting aspects which is now shared. Here are 5 types of biological mothers that stepmothers may find themselves having to cope with and how they can rise above the challenges, each one of them presents.

The Open One
This is the kind of bio mom that every stepmother wishes she had to deal with. She is secure and confident in her role as the mother and knows despite the current family situation her children will always have a very special place in their heart and no one can change that. She has dealt with any pain and issues surrounding the divorce or separation between her and her ex who is now your husband, has accepted the situation and doesn’t try to live in the past. She understands that working with you is in the best interest of the kids. She prays that you are a good and positive influence on her children, that you will be able to get along and that they can grow to love you.
This is a one of a kind mom and her spirit helps everyone else find it easy to let you in. If you have one of these in your life you need to be grateful.

The ‘mke nyumbani’ super mom
This is the perfect mother. She cooks, she cleans, she sews and no I am not talking about buttons, she teaches Sunday school, she in the school PTA, bakes her own bread, heck! this woman can go head to head with Martha Stewart with a good chance of winning. Now if you are the kind of stepmom who can’t do any of these things to save your life she can intimidate the hell out of you. It’s only natural to feel the need to compete with this mom. Prove that you can be just as good if not better, even when she is deceased. Many women find themselves competing with ghosts of the former wife which is a battle lost before it even began.

Resist the urge to become like the super mom and let no one pressure you into becoming something that you are not. We all have things that we are good at and those that we are terrible at. Focus on what you can do well and incorporate these in your relationship with your new partner and step kids. Be you, and let people love you just as you are.

The Mighty Protector
All mothers have a natural maternal instinct to protect their children but this one has taken this a couple of notches higher. She feels the need to protect her children from her former spouse and from you the stepmom. Usually this is a reaction from the fear that you will interfere with her role as mom. Signs of an overly protective mother include change or total cancellation of visitation rights thus limiting the contact between you and her children. She may even sabotage your relationship with the children or even your partner by badmouthing you in front of the kids, your partner and even straight up in your face.

For this kind of mother, its important for the stepmom to communicate verbally and through her actions the “No Threat message” To learn how to do this skillfully read my past blog post Meet your Ex-in-Law:Part 2 dealing with the challenges

The Smother Mom
Her entire identity stems from being a mother and this in turn compels her to make herself the center of every single facet of their children’s lives. This mother has trouble cutting the apron strings and smother their children with parental affection and authority. She is controlling and needs to be needed by her children. She may appear to be involved and cooperative when it comes to shared parenting tasks but she is actually just passive aggressive. Not all children may agree to her style but at least one will. This is the kind of child who will not accept you openly because this screams betrayal to their mother so keep your eyes peeled for this one. Don’t take it personally if you notice this with your stepchildren, its not a rejection of you as a person.

The Stone cold mom
There is no winning with this one. She completely ignores you and lives like you do not exist. She will not communicate with you in any way neither will she be willing to work with you. The best way to deal with her is to distance yourself with respect. Should the children talk ab
out their mother or the other home, listen and do not criticize or condemn her even if you may not agree with her strategy or parenting style. Always remember that blood is thicker than water and accept that your spouse will be the communication link between your family and the other home.

Whether you are a stepmom or a bio mom remember that its not a competition and a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T goes a long way.

 

Your girlfriends wont throw you a stepmothers shower so read this

Contrary to the extremely popular myth that stepmothers  are evil, there are quite a number of great ones out there. The smart ones. The ones who don’t try to replace the biological mother nor insist that the children call her mom. The ones who prepared to handle the complexities of step-family life. The ones who discover the things they can control and let go of the things they cannot. I could go on and on but that’s an article for another day. Am pretty sure you know one, a good friend of yours, your sister or may be even your mother. These step-moms always look like they have it together. They are happy and cheerful most times, giving you all manner of stories about their family, their spouse, their children and their family life in general. Listening to them am sure you have found yourself saying “You are so strong. I have no idea how you do it, if I were in your shoes, I would not be able to handle this with the courage, grace, dedication and commitment that you have.” If you are a step-mom you have probably heard this a million times from your friends and family. I know I have.

However, the truth is that there is really no such thing as a perfect step-mom. They may seem perfect from the outside but the truth is they struggle. Everyday, they struggle with the tiniest of things that ordinary families just don’t have to deal with. They constantly choose to rise every time they fall and believe me falls are in plenty in step relations especially for a family that’s just starting out. It eventually eases with time but with step-families every unique stage in family life especially for those that are centered around the children has the potential to generate memories of loss, new feelings of inadequacy or guilt, fear and other insecurities. All of which, if not handled properly can easily escalate to conflict for the couple and the children.

For those who are already stepmothers with several months or years under their belt, you will definitely understand what I have to say next since you have been through it. However if you are new to this or are dating a man with children and planning on settling down then this is for you. Unfortunately there are no models or manuals and your girlfriends will definitely not throw you a stepmother shower so here are some of the experiences all stepmothers go through that you are bound to experience yourself. This is to prepare you for the journey to come, to comfort you during any one of these moments and to give you courage and strength to keep going but more importantly to let you know you are not alone.

You will cry …. a lot

The dynamics of step-families are so different from those in original families. If they are not handled properly they have the power to turn into conflict causing you much stress in your relationships both with the children and with your spouse. Between meeting the children, meeting your ex-in-law, embracing your identity crisis and adjusting to suspicion, resentment, rejection and biological parent loyalties you will have plenty of moments to cry your eyes out. There is nothing wrong with that, its a good, healthy way to release your feelings. However,  after you wipe your tears you will have to take action in order to change your situation. Start by setting the right expectations. Step-families take time to bond and become one, for everyone to be comfortable with everyone. You are not the only one adjusting and not all the members will adjust at the same time. The adults tend to adjust much faster while the children are usually way behind. Do not ignore this fact. Learn how to deal with with all the dynamics. Equip yourself with right knowledge and apply this in your situation and slowly by slowly, step by step, day by day you will learn how to deal and live with it all. It will take time and lots of time so be patient.

You will doubt yourself

It is not surprising for stepmothers to question their abilities, their position and their success even when there are signs all around them that they are doing something well or at the very least they are on the right track. You will find yourself asking “Why did my partner pick me? who am I to raise and love someone else’s children? what authority do I have to parent yet I have never had children of my own? who am I to have a strong successful family? Can I really do this? what in the world did I get myself into?

These doubts will always creep in every once in a while. They can be your own internal thoughts or negative ones from people around you.  Honore de Balzac said “When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” During these moments you will have to ground yourself. Don’t focus on past experiences and comments from other people. Surround yourself with people believe in you. Those who know you for who you truly are and remind you when you forget. Balance the negative by writing down 5-10 positive things about yourself and finally, take a break. If you are feeling overwhelmed and feel like things are not going so well, take some time away from that situation and focus on something totally different. Sometimes shifting your focus away from what you are stuck on helps you take a new perspective when you come back to it.

You will wish you could run away

Many stepmothers occasionally wish they were not in the situation that they are in, more so during the tough times. This is totally natural for us humans to do when things don’t go as we have planned. The Israelites did it when they were stuck in the dessert for 40 years before finding their way to Canaan. They were convinced that slavery was better. There are times you will feel stuck. You will have no idea which direction to go and your past will seem more attractive than your present. During this time its important to remind yourself of the big picture. Your promised land. The reason why you do what you do day in day out with dedication. That will help you refocus your energies positively.

You will be lonely

You will feel like a total outsider in your own home.  This is mainly because you have to fit in to a ready made family with its own history and traditions formed way before you came into the picture. Before you fully adjust to this accommodating old family traditions and developing new ones it will be easy to feel like the stranger in the family. Don’t despair, you can overcome these feelings. It will be important for your partner to help integrate you in the family. Changes like moving to a new house will help everyone get a sense of a new beginning for the new family since its neutral. Allow your partner to spend time alone with their children. What this says to them is that you are not stealing their dad away from them which will make them view you less as a threat and more as a friend. Take baby steps. Rome was not built in a day and neither was a successful step-family. Take it slow, let the children guide your pace. During those lonely moments, call up your girlfriends. Time spent laughing or crying with your friends helps restore and rejuvenate you.

You will overcome

Its not all doom and gloom. Despite the challenges, if you are set on succeeding and do everything in your power to achieve it, you will reap the rewards. Like I said, there are many great stepmothers out there, they went through the same ups and downs and succeeded. The only difference between those to make it to the other side and those who give up and quit, is perseverance. Only those who stick with it, those who are committed to the process are victorious. Ensure that you always have the proper perspective. Equip yourself with knowledge about step-family life whether its through reading or coaching and apply the strategies and tools you learn in your own circumstance. Then and only then will you have solid foundation on which you can build the kind of family you desire. One day you will look back and say it was well worth it.

Happy Hump Day!