Why you are not getting along well with your stepchildren

Having a great relationship with my stepkids is something I thank God for everyday. It’s a blessing that I do not take for granted. People who have had the opportunity to meet my children and I are shocked at the great relationship we have. My own husband is amazed at just how well we get along. What no one realizes is that it did not happen overnight, neither was it handed down to me on a silver platter. There was a lot hard work behind the scenes, a lot of sacrifices, deliberate choices I made, disappointments and tears and lots of God’s grace. Despite it all, I stuck with it even when sometimes every inch of my body wanted to run away. I pressed on through my self doubt and every single setback that came my way. Giving up was always an option, but it was never my choice. I eventually found my freedom in that which I was not, their mother.

Children are at the very center of any new blended family. They tend to get forgotten because the couple is so in love, optimistic and ready to start the new life with their new partner. It’s important to always remember that all step-families are born out of loss. Your partner lost a husband/wife and the children have lost either mom and dad through separation, divorce or death. It is difficult for the children to deal with this especially since all children have an innate need to have their parents together regardless of their age. The truth is children are usually many steps behind when it comes to dealing with the loss of one or both parents and therefore it takes a lot of time to adjust to having a new parent; the step-mom or step-dad in their life.

Not all children adjust at the same time. It’s not surprising to find that one child warms up to the step-parent faster than his/her siblings. In my case, my son took a lot more time to adjust and accept me compared to his little sister. Other factors that affect this period of adjustment and new family formation include the ages, stages and sex of the children. Its key to always remember that all children need loving and trusting relationships and it is up to biological parents to reassure them of this through words but most importantly through their actions as well.

Not all kids will warm up to you at the same time

Here is what to expect with regards to gender and different ages of the children. It will help you understand your child and their behavior toward the stepparent enabling both of you to respond and react in a manner that will foster good relationships for everyone.

What to expect by gender:

Girls will often be uncomfortable with physical displays of affection from a stepfather. Therefore do not take offence as a stepparent. It’s not a rejection of you as a person. As the mother do not push your child to hug or make other physical gestures that they are uncomfortable with. With time they may come around to doing it but it’s also possible that they never do. Do not take it personally.

Both girls and boys prefer verbal affection such as compliments to physical affection like hugs and kisses. Try and stick to this. The children will generally guide you so go with their pace. When I first got to know my stepchildren I made the mistake of telling my daughter “I love you” after a telephone conversation. There was dead silence on her part. That is when I realized that although our relationship had grown, she was not yet ready for that so i refrained from saying it ever again. One day though during our usual bedtime rituals she hugged her dad and myself and said “I love you”, naturally I assumed that was for the dad so I remained silent as he responded. To my shock, she stood there and said “Wendy, I said I love you” and waited for me to respond. Moral of the story? Let the children set the pace for the relationship, all you have to do is follow their cues.

Boys also tend to accept a stepfather more easily than girls do. It may take stepmothers a longer time to be accepted simply because its a lot harder for children to accept another mother figure.

What to expect by age

Children Under 10:

At this age children are usually very open and tend to be more accepting of new adults. Usually easier to for a stepparent to form a relationship with. They may also adjust more easily to the new family setting because they usually have a strong desire for a complete family. At the same time they are prone to competing for their parents love, affection and attention.  A stepparent may feel like they are in some form of competition as they too are seeking the attention of their partner. As a step parent you need to allow your partner spend time alone with his/her kids in order for them to get this love and affection. This works to your advantage since the children slowly stop viewing you as the threat, the person who is stealing mummy or daddy.

Being younger of course means that the have more every day needs and therefore will require attention of the biological parent.

Kids between 10 and 14 years:

Children in this age group have the most difficulty adjusting to step-family. This is because they already have a strong relationship with their biological parents. They also had a great deal of family history before the parents split. This means that they require more time to get over the loss and additional time to bond before they can start accepting step-parent and getting in line with the new family norms. They also take longer to adjust to the stepparent being a disciplinarian so slow down on this one, let their mum and dad take the lead on this.

At this age children will not openly demonstrate feelings yet they will also be the more sensitive ones compared to younger children. They need more love, support, and attention than younger kids so it’s up to dad and mom to constantly reassure them of their unwavering love and support despite the new family arrangements.

As a stepparent be patient, and don’t push them. Slowly work on forming and building a relationship with them.

Teens

They are just discovering themselves and usually slowly move away from family life. Their involvement becomes less and less as they try to form their own identity. It tends to be more difficult to form a relationship with them as a step-parent so please be patient. Try to find things you have in common that you can do together. They also need to know and feel loved, they need to be secure even though they will not openly express it. Reassure them as you would younger children

Adult children

Contrary to popular belief, they do not understand the new family arrangements and share the same issues as younger children.  They feel betrayed by a parent’s decision to remarry, they too desire to have their parents together. If they are in the same age bracket it makes it even harder to accept the stepparent. They may hate seeing displays of affection between their bio parent and the stepparent. Pressure from the bio parent to accept their new love is also difficult to cope with.

Having been in the family for so long, letting go of the family history is extremely difficult. Since they have moved out of the nest, with their own careers and maybe even their own family life makes it difficult for the stepparent to establish a relationship since there is no day-to-day interaction. Other factors that come into play are inheritance.

The best thing to do is to give them time as well to adjust the new situations. Being adults also means that they have the capability to step up and proactively work on establishing a relationship with a stepparent. The biological parent should explain their actions, why they love and need their partner and request their child to understand and respect their decision. After all they are human too. And just like all human beings they need a companion, love and happiness.

I hope this has helped you gain some insight as why children may act a certain way when a stepparent comes into the picture and how you can respond and act or help your partner and children reduce the friction during the transition.

If are already a stepmom or are dating someone with children from a previous relationship and you would like to learn more about what to expect when it comes to raising stepfamilies download a free copy of my ebook “The Truth About Stepfamilies” HERE

LISA celebrates dads: Alex Warinda

Every week this lovely month of June we will do something that is not done often enough. We will be celebrating dads. We will feature a dad, son or daughter in order to appreciate the crucial role that dads play and the impact and influence they have on their families. Today we applaud the incredible Alex Warinda, a single dad who raised four amazing young women; Nina, Rina, Emily and Leila. These four ladies give a sneak peak of how he managed to do it and what his love and sacrifice means to them.

 

Alex Warinda

  1. Describe your relationship with your father.

Apart from being our dad he is our best friend, a confidant, a brother we never had, and above all our role model. He is our ideal man, we trust him with our lives, he taught us everything from cleaning, cooking delicious meals to sewing our hems he’s the coolest dad ever. He is the only man who makes us believe there are few genuine good men in this world.

  1. How much time did your father spend with you?

All throughout our childhood dad spent each day with us. He would mostly leave work early and we would find he had prepared us evening tea with njugus, started working on our dinner, and helped us with our homework’s. Our dad has always been a full time dad to us he is the one who woke up first very early in the morning to prepare us for school, ensured we had breakfast and packed our lunch all this time our mum was still in bed catching her beauty sleep.

  1. How often did your father tell you that he loved you?

Each day since we can remember to date our dad calls us daily every evening individually since we are all grown up now and no longer staying with him. From the first born to our last born and to his grandson without fail. He is usually just checking up to see how our day was any challenges if any and to wish us a good night. To us that’s the greatest way of saying I love and care for you so much.

 

Nana and her son

  1. What did your father teach you about life?

Our dad has taught us patience. That nothing good comes easy and the importance of allowing God’s timing in our lives. To always strive to get the best of anything our hearts desire. To accept that not everyone will view life and issues from our perspectives and therefore learn to accept it and love them all the same. Our dad has taught us the value of forgiveness, of letting go the bitterness and pain that it’s not because the offender deserves it but we do so for our own peace and healing

  1. What did your father teach you about love and relationships?

That you will never please everyone in this life, that you will be heartbroken and betrayed but still give your best. Those relationships are not a bed of roses. Communication and appreciation is the key. He also taught us by example that you need to know when to let go before a relationship kills you.

  1. What did your father do that made you happy?

We are so proud that our father during his lowest time in life became a real man and stuck with us when all hell had broken loose after his relationship with our mum was going to the dogs. He didn’t care what people said or thought of him only what we his children thought of him. He held on tight to us and never let go. This we hold dearly. He is currently building us a very beautiful lovely home which is in the final stages.

  1. What did your father do that made you sad?

When he said tumempikia ugali mbichi  and that the meat had too much spice. We were very furious at the time since we had taken our time to fix him a good meal (Laughing out loud). Also how much he struggled when he would cycle miles just to come see us when he and mum were separated before they divorced, it was the most painful sight ever of our dad.

  1. What is your fondest memory of your father?

(Laughs) When he used to have afro hair and we would plait him, he used to have a motorbike and he would carry us around and every Friday. He still roasts meat for us to date. He also enjoys music and dancing. Every evening he would play some music and ask us to dance and reward the best dancer.

 

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Rina, Leila, Rina and her son

  1. Describe how you are like your father.

Patient, have a big heart, give our best in any situation. We like good living hence we give ourselves the best we can  and live in the moment, to the fullest.  Tunajiachilia vi deadly (Laughs)

  1. What do you wish you could tell your father?

That we, together with his grandson are super proud of him and we shall forever love him. That we value and appreciate him. Never in a million years would we wish anything different from what we have. We wouldn’t choose any other father and he is the greatest blessing in our lives. We are the women we are today because of how he molded us and brought us up. He is tough when he needs to, alituchapa sana tukiwa watoi yet so sweet when things were ok. We are the Warinda daughters!

BEST FATHERS DAY EXPERIENCE/MEMORY

Ever since our mum left us we ensured that every Valentine’s Day we took our dad out for valentines’ dinner bought him a cake, card and his favorite drink. We shared and laughed our pain away……

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Emily

LISA celebrates dads: Moses Likhanga through the eyes of a true daddy’s girl

Every week this lovely month of June we will do something that is not done often enough. We will be celebrating dads. We will feature a dad, son or daughter in order to appreciate the crucial role that dads play and the impact and influence they have on their families. Today we applaud the amazing Moses Likhanga whom we get know through the eyes of a real daddy’s girl, Vivienne Ayuma Likhanga. Vivienne is a law and administration professional and a proud mother of a 10 month old daughter. When I inquired about her age in all she could say is “I am an adult… Hehehe!… Twenty Something. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it (smiles).

Vivienne (right) with her dad

 

  1. Describe your relationship with your father.

He was my best friend. Ever since I could remember the two of us were like two peas in a pod. My parents having divorced when I was just 5 years old, my dad who became sole caregiver – took the mom and dad role greatly in his stride and he was the best single dad in the whole world. There were several days of instant soup and bread or ugali and milk for dinner but I will forever be grateful to him for how hard he tried to be everything to us before he remarried. Very few men can step up like this. I owe much of who I am today to him, if only he could see me now, he’d be proud of the woman that I’ve become.

  1. How much time did your father spend with you?

He tried his best to spend as much time with me as I was growing up. When I was little, after school in the afternoons I would go do my homework in his office then we’d proceed home afterwards in the evening when he was done. After he started working outside the country, it was a little difficult to spend so much time together but we would hang out all the time every time he got a break. We also had a letter writing tradition when I went to boarding school. He wrote to me a letter every two weeks telling me everything about where he was travelling to, the people he met and his work and of course reminding me to be a good girl and to work hard. I still have those letters. I read them whenever I miss him.

  1. How often did your father tell you that he loved you?

Every time we’d meet. He’d hug me good bye at times giving me a forehead kiss and tell me he loved me. He’d also occasionally do it on phone calls.

  1. What did your father teach you about life?

My dad taught me many things about life from how to always look people in the eye when I spoke, how to ride a bike, how to tie my shoe laces and tie; to how to multiply three digit numbers by other three digit numbers when I was just six years old. I went on to learn how to multiply numbers in school but I still did it the way he taught me; from left to right. I loved how he taught me the value and importance of hard work and a good education. If I have any success in my life it is because I am able to understand thoroughly and well what I read and I owe this specialty first to him. I appreciate him so much, for being in my life. He did all he could to give my siblings and I the best education he could afford. He worked almost 7 days a week from 5 am to 8 pm or even later, without complaining, all day standing up and never lost his joy of life and the humor.

The most important thing, he taught me was to never give up and most importantly never to panic when things go wrong. There’s always a way out but first you have to be calm to get everything in the right perspective. Being a high achiever he naturally made me always want to win and therefore I was a sore loser. But he always used to tell me: “Failure is good for you. So, accept your defeats, be aware of your mistakes and keep going. Failure sucks, but it’s not the end of the world.”

  1. What did your father teach you about love and relationships?

To love unreservedly. However he also taught me to not be a push over and to always know when to walk away from a relationship that no longer serves me. My dad’s life screamed “I love you” without saying the words. He made so many sacrifices. Watching his life taught me the greatest lesson on love: Actions speak louder than words. What we do is louder than what we say.

  1. What did your father do that made you happy?

Everything. He loved me unconditionally and was unafraid to show it. He made so many sacrifices at times personal ones just to make sure we were happy and OK. He was always so proud of me whether or not I deserved it. The greatest gift he gave me was believing in me.

  1. What did your father do that made you sad?

He got sick and there was nothing I could do to make him better. Then he died. Though I know death is inevitable and his suffering finally ended, it still broke my heart. It felt like I lost a part of me I could never replace. He was the only one besides God that I can honestly say I could always count on 24-7-365.

  1. What is your fondest memory of your father?

Listening to his heartbeat every night he held me close as he read me my bed time stories. It was the most calming moment growing up. Feeling his strong arms around me and hearing his big heart pounding away. I felt so invincible and protected.  Sometimes when I close my eyes and go back to those moments, I could almost still remember his scent and voice. It still is one of my best memories of him whenever I miss him. I also remember his love for music.. Most times you’d find him whistling or singing along to his favorite artists. It was hilarious catching him at times miming the words to our favorite artists too. One day I caught him singing along to Tupac’s “do for love” another day while we were stuck in traffic, he started singing Harry Belafonte’s, Banana Boat Song: “Day-O, Day, me say day, me say day, me say day, Me say day, me say day-o, Daylight come and me wan’ go home!” He could be so funny! There are songs I can’t listen to without thinking of him.

  1. Describe how you are like your father?

This is such a hard question. The people who knew him say that I laugh like him. Heartily.  I think I’ve got his cheeks and facial structure. I think I also took my easy going nature towards life from him as he was a free spirit. My dad was so strong, patient and kind to everybody no matter their position in life. He was the most generous, warm hearted of men you could ever meet, but at the same time, very stern when he meant business. This lesson bleeds into everything I do. Being humble and generous of heart to everybody I meet and being strong especially inside.

  1. What do you wish you could tell your father?

Oh how I wish I could resurrect him and tell him how much I love him! I would hug his neck and hold on for dear life trying to make up for all the years that I missed out on with him because I was too caught up with life. If I had one last moment I’d tell him that even though he’s gone there’s never a day that passes without me thinking about him. In everything I do I still wonder whether or not he’d be proud. I love you, dad. Thank you for everything.

BEST FATHERS DAY EXPERIENCE/MEMORY

Having lunch with him as he enjoyed his favorite scotch. He told me the first day he held me in his arms my eyes screamed at him for him to love me. And he could never stop. He told me no matter how old I am and I will always be daddy’s little girl.

 

This month LISA celebrates dads

Men are totally shafted when it comes to Father’s Day. I mean, think about it. Mother’s day starts getting hyped at least one month prior to the celebration. All the major malls are decorated with eye catching Mother’s day themes, shops have impressive displays of possible gifts, restaurants have all manner of fancy brunch and dinner offers, not forgetting the spa treatments, hair, makeup and clothes makeover offers all in honor of the beautiful women who birthed and/or raised us. It’s a colorful and pompous affair.

Compare that with Father’s Day. I still have not heard any hype around anything to do with Father’s Day which by the way is in another two weeks or so. Dads are lucky if they get a card, a mug, one of those ‘greatest dad in the world’ trophies or a nice bottle of whiskey. This month however L.I.S.A wants to change this and celebrate and honor the men that we love so much, our dads, our heroes. These men have made the conscious decision to be there physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually for their families. A mother’s job is not easy but neither is theirs and yet they do it well and more often than not, without complaining.

Every week this month, I will feature a dad, wife, son or daughter on the L.I.S.A blog giving you a glimpse into the influence and impact dads have in the family.

This June, let’s hear it for the MEN!